Bliss

I am in bliss from IF vacation. No charting, no CM checks, no waiting rooms, no monitoring appointments, no needles, no progesterone suppositories, no living life by a calendar, & enjoying random acts of intimacy with my husband whenever we want.

It has been over one week into normalcy & it has been SO nice. It is amazing how fast the week flies by when you are not constantly looking at a calendar counting down the days. Which CD am I on? I have no clue because I haven't written it down, counted the days or even checked a calendar. Will I be ovulating soon? No clue - I have no idea what my cycle will be like after taking all these IF meds & honestly I'm not even going to think about it - no OPK tests, no POAS at the end of the cycle, no "TTC" thoughts. Nothing.

What I do know is I am already enjoying this "break" & I am sure come December I will be healed mentally & physically & we will be ready to face IVF round #2!

This "vacation" is definitely much needed & well deserved :)

What not to say...

Today I had words with a co-worker. They weren't unpleasant words but rather words that were truthful & spoke from my heart & needed to be said. Words that I'm glad I got out & don't regret saying.

I work with a girl who knows we are TTC & having difficulty but has NO clue the extent of what we have gone through the last 3 1/2 years. She is far from considerate about the subject & is always asking me how "the baby-making" is going - usually in front of other co-workers. When I respond with "we are still trying" she will usually reply with "don't worry, when the time is right it will happen" or "maybe you need a vacation where you can relax & then you'll get pregnant" or "just be patient...it will happen one day" & that is usually followed by "at least it's fun trying"!

Today she asked the same question & replied with the same answer. I was a bit hormonal today & just couldn't bite my tongue any longer. I finally said what I was thinking & I was irritated so I know it sounded bitchy but I didn't care. It went a little something like this:

"Sarah, I know you are trying to be nice & I don't want you to take this the wrong way but when you know someone is having trouble getting PG please DON’T tell her to "just relax." Don't say it will happen when the time is right. Don’t tell her to adopt & then surely she’ll get pregnant on her own. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!” because guess what? I've tried it all & then some & it hasn't worked. Scheduling sex around a calendar with the person you love is not fun. I have been trying to "relax" for over 3 years now & the timing STILL isn't right. So next time you ask me about "baby-making" the best response to my answer would be to say "I'm sorry" & just leave it at that. Or better yet, don't even bother asking at all!"

I then turned around & walked out of the department & headed to my WTF appt with the biggest smile on my face :) Man that felt good....

WTF appt

So the hubby & I sat down with the RE today & had a "WTF happened" meeting. Got alot of questions answered & we feel good about the next step.

We have decided to do a 2nd IVF cycle but are going to wait a couple of months just to mentally & physically heal as well as finish paying off the 1st IVF. Looks like we will start the 2nd IVF cycle when AF shows in December.

Our RE is going to change the protocol a bit also. He said he would like to use Ganirelix rather than Lupron because he thinks the Lupron suppressed me a bit too much - hence the slow response & low # of follicles. He said he would also be a bit more aggressive with the meds & would like to see 12-15 follicles for ER so we have some to freeze. The other change would be to do a 5-day transfer (rather than a 3-day) & still transfer 2-3 embies depending on how they look.

I feel much better with the plan after talking to our RE & I was pleased to hear of the adjustments he was going to be making to our cycle as well as being a bit more aggressive with the meds.

I am now looking forward to a couple of "injection-free" months, a "progesterone-free" environment down in Ladyville, random sex with my hubby that doesn't revolve around a calendar, enjoying the holidays & looking forward to the potential of what the new year may bring :)

It's nice to have a plan in place once again & that itty bitty ounce of hope back!

Hope

Last month the lovely ladies on www.thebump.com did a "lucky socks" exchange with members on the infertility forum. This month there was a jewelry exchange & I chose to participate since last months exchange was so much fun. The theme this month was to pick out a piece of jewelry that might be inspirational for the person wearing it. I had an idea of what I wanted to do & ended up making this necklace for the girl that was selected for me:
I loved how it turned out. I liked it so much that I made one just like it for myself - except I left off the dragonfly. The girl I made this for likes dragonflies so I added one to her necklace. I hope she likes it!?

I also came across this quote yesterday on one of the blogs I follow. Seems fitting for what I have had to endur these past couple of days:

"Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself "How did we ever manage to get through all of that?"

It's all because we had hope...

Coping

Some of you have sent me personal messages or have called to ask me how I am doing & I want to let you know how much I appreciate all the warm thoughts & well wishes!

Some of you have also asked how I am coping with everything & I thought I would show you...


Chocolate & wine - a girls best friend when times are tough :)

Tough Day

This morning before my beta, I had busted out my 1 of 4 HPT's & tested. Even before I saw the result was negative - I knew. The spotting, the AF-like cramps & lower back ache these last few days was a clear sign that this wasn't going to happen for us.

I went in at 7:30am for my blood draw & by 10am they called with the results. Hearing the nurse say the beta was negative just finalized it all & made hearing it that much more painful. It took all I could do to not bust into tears. Then I had to call my husband. That phone call nearly killed me & I had to do all this at work which is the shitty part. He was so excited to hear from me & when I managed to choke out the words "the test was negative" there was silence on the other end. I know he is heartbroken & so very sad but he would never show it in front of me. The first words out of his mouth were: "how are you? are you ok? can you come home?" God I love that man.

After that phone call, I knew that today was going to be tough but I didn't know how tough it really would be. We had a slow day at work so it gave me lots of down-time to sit & think & wonder & be sad & think some more. I had to hide my emotions from my co-workers & I was bottling up all that grief & despair inside & it was killing me. I needed to be by myself to have a good cry & grieve over the loss of our little embies...over the loss of what was to be.

At the end of the day I headed to the locker room to get changed & a co-worker of mine (who knows all about our IVF journey) came up to me in private & asked if I was ok - that I seemed "distant" today. At that moment, I caved & lost it right in front of her. She hugged me & let me cry & she cried with me & it felt SO good to get it out & let go. She will never know how much that hug & her support meant to me!

So now I sit here & I just don't understand. It was a flawless cycle. The IVF procedure went perfect. We transferred 3 almost perfect embryo's & had one to freeze & not a one made it. I did everything the RE told me to do. How does all that get you nowhere?!

I am truly beginning to believe that Shane & I aren't meant to be parents. Or perhaps, we just aren't meant to be parents right now...at this moment...maybe someday, but not now.

Beta Result

negative :(

It pains me to even write it.

I'm not sure where to go from here. We have no plan...no "what next". I am just looking for strength to get me through this day.

Ugh - IF is just so unfair.

A Confession

::standing on podium::

Hi - my name is Heather and I am a closet POASer.

I have been peeing on sticks for over 18 months now. I can't tell you exactly how many I pee on monthly. It is usually 3 - since FRER comes in a box of 3, so I might as well use them all up right? But sadly it is sometimes more & it is a sick & sad addiction.

In my madness, I have held tests up to the light, walked over to a window for better light, have even walked outside into the natural light to get a better look. I have taken my glasses on and off usually squinting until I think I see something - then I head outside AGAIN to see if I can see it better. Is there a line or isn't there?! What if I tilt it a bit to the left or right...is there a line now?! Maybe if I put the stick up against a dark background...wait - still no line?

Seriously - what drives a sane person to act this way? I'm pretty sure that if I can't see a line just by looking at it like a normal person, then the line isn't there, and I should just accept it, right?!

This month though has been different. Ever since the ET took place I have been afraid to POAS. I have a box of 3 FRER tests & a CBE test all sitting under my sink & I have not yet peed on even one of them. I am SO afraid to see another negative & then I will be faced with the fact that we have spent all this money & gone through this whole IVF process for nothing. I am afraid to be faced with no plan for the next cycle. For the last 10 mos I have always had a plan in place for next month but this is very possibly the end of the road for us at our attempt in TTC & that too scares me.

Tomorrow is my beta & if by some chance they call me & tell me it is positive then I just might take out all 4 of those PG tests and pee on them all - just to see that 2nd line....just to see the word "pregnant"!

9dp3dt

9dp3dt - in English that means 9 days post 3 day transfer. That is where I am at today. Only 2 more days to go until my beta results.

I am a bit concerned though. Last night I woke up around 3am to pee & noticed some light brown spotting. This morning it was still there. By early morning it had turned to a pink-tinged spotting & as of 2pm today it is back to a light brown color & still hasn't gone away.

Physically I feel like AF is right around the corner (crampy, bloated, lower back pain) so I'm trying not to be down but I can't help but feel that way. The spotting hasn't changed color or gotten any heavier but is definitely alarming to say the least. I am trying to take it easy today & not do too much in hopes that it will stop. I know it could be a number of things but I can't help but fear the worst. I think this is my way of protecting myself mentally if it turns out that the IVF didn't work.

I guess in 2 days I will know the answer....